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Just trying to hold it together |
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Struggling with cutting, burning, depression, and suicidal thoughts--I am just taking one day at a time....trying to hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be better.
My name is Sarah and I am 23 years old. I have struggled with cutting and burning since I was in junior high school. It's all I've ever known. Nobody has ever seen me mad or sad, I used to take out every emotion possible on myself. I wanted to hurt myself on the outside so I wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. I felt empty and alone all the time. Starting college I began drinking a lot, and the self injury just got worse. I was diagnosed with depression which I later found out was bipolar type 2. Extreme highs and lows. Everything seemed as though it were out of control. I began using cocaine and still drinking every night up until this year. Around Christmas this past year I had decided I couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't know what to do. I felt lost...empty as though nothing mattered anymore. I didn't matter. I ODed on sleeping pills I had taken from my friend. Lucky for me, I did not succeed. I realized something had to change but I didn't know where to turn. A couple weeks later--I was working as a waitress and was invited to church. I thought church was a joke--a building of people who thought they were better than me...but something in me told me to go. After I went once--I went again, and again. I would still do my side stuff. After Wednesday service I'd go to the bar for beer pong night. I do a line here and there and when I couldn't deal with things I'd burn...but even with all that I was getting to know the family that invited me to church. They were getting to know me and even with all my bad habits they still took me in. I was shocked. Soon after become a regular attendee at church, it felt as though every sermon was directed straight towards me. It made me feel very akward. I wasn't like them. I didn't have hope or joy. But on June, 19th 2008--everything changed. I fell to my knees and prayed. I wanted to change. I gave my life completly to God. Since then, I have not drank, done drugs, or harmed myself. I have been reaching my friends and those around me with my transformation. It's hard but so worth it. Everyday is a struggle but in the end is the reward.
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