Hey hey. This is the testimony that I recently shared and I feel really expresses the journey my life has been. I'm definitely not completely healed and there is still a long way to go but I just want to show people that it is possible to get somewhere... to stop self harm, to escape suicide, to survive depression and other such illness. Happy reading.
I am the second born in a family of 3 children with an elder sister and a younger brother. As a young child I was happy and outgoing, a bubbly and bright little girl with an inquisitive spirit. Life at home meant that I needed to be responsible and mature from a young age as my mother suffered with severe epilepsy since the birth of my elder sister. My father worked full time which meant we would often be left with the responsibility of caring for mum. I never really coped with her disability but it was a part of life. I just had to learn to deal with it.
At age 5 I entered primary school. Despite my initial excitement and high hopes, it didn’t end up being as perfect as I had planned. Due to lots of illness i missed school quite often. The time I did spend at school however was full of criticism from the other kids and the pressure of a stressed out teacher. I would often seek refuge with my sister, hoping that she could deter the taunts, teasing and cruel comments.
Over the next couple of years at school I was constantly battling to find my place within the social crowd. It was a struggle to develop an identity that both myself and other people could accept. Despite my best efforts I could never be pretty enough, cool enough, popular enough or smart enough to be accepted by the people around me.
In the year 2000 my world changed rudely, quickly and incredibly dramatically. With a new year came new hope and it seemed things were looking up for me at school. I was in a situation where I belonged, where I thrived and where I enjoyed life. I was finally allowed to like and enjoy who God had created me to be and I knew that anything that threatened that was not enough to destroy me.
During this time someone that worked for my father came to live with us as he was going through some financial struggles. We all liked him and he instantly became part of our family. Spending time with him just became normal and I valued the attention he gave to me. Soon enough he began to tell me how he felt differently about me compared to the rest of my family. He said that I was special, and that although he loved all of my family, he loved me more and in a different way.
It did not take long before the time spent alone in his room became a trap for me. Not having much understanding of what was happening I felt very grown up and enjoyed my new sense of maturity. However at the same time I knew that what was happening was somehow wrong. But it didn’t make a great deal of sense so I went along with it.
What was happening was clearly sexual and emotional abuse but at my age I was too young to understand what was actually happening. I had been manipulated to believe that this was what I wanted. I was confused and overwhelmed with the situation. My abuser made threats that if i told anyone what was happening that we would both be killed. I became very afraid.
Very quickly my world changed. I went from having some sense of self security to having my world crushed to pieces. I simply believed what he had told me – that this would be what I would be doing for the rest of my life.
I became very ashamed about the situation that I was in. I did not tell anyone of the details of this new visitor in my home and became very secretive. I continued to develop a strong mask to hide the embarrassing details of my life at home and would pray that whenever he took me out no one would see me. I was not so outspoken and all of a sudden got a lot more headaches than I did before. I would stay back late at school and spend as much time as I could in bed as a subtle attempt to escape this nightmare.
After 2 months of me being abused more times than I could count or even remember the truth was exposed. All of a sudden the hurt was no longer my secret. I felt powerless and out of control. Now I had nothing to hide behind. I was confused, afraid and angry.
Thus began the next year of police interviews and statements, doctor’s and legal appointments and counselling. I despised it all and just wanted to feel normal. That year was painful and all I wanted to do was escape.
During the legal proceedings it became clear that I would have to testify against my abuser in court. I became increasingly afraid but I felt as though I could not tell anyone of this. I was supposed to be the strong, brave girl. But I did not feel strong at all.
Everything became so much harder when the weekend before my court date, my grandfather passed away. But God used this situation to show us His faithfullness. Just before I was to testify in court, the abuser pleaded guilty and was later sentenced.
It seemed after this that life would turn back to normal. But I felt I would never be the same again. I faced the constant challenge to keep my secret – which I had been encouraged not to tell. I hated that the past was not just disappearing.
I was all of a sudden in a stage where I felt I could not fit in anywhere. I became very introverted – not having many friends apart from a new girl at school. What started off as good ended up being too much like what had happened to me when i was younger. I was confused and although I was uncomfortable I did not want to lose a friend. That seemed more important to me. Soon enough I was involved in a relationship that broke all of the rules that I had set up for myself. I felt uncomfortable and afraid but desperately dependent on the friendship that we had. I was once again trapped. Lies and threats came as a result of this relationship. This was my first attempt at trust, which was broken.
Life at home became simultaneously difficult. My dad went through a breakdown over the period after the abuse. This was incredibly hard for me and i often felt i was to blame. I just wanted life to become a bit easier. But I decided that I must not be worth blessings or favour. It seemed that this nightmare I was living in was to be both my life and my death sentence.
When I started high school my hopes of a new start and a new confidence were crushed with instant feelings of fear and insecurity. It felt that my intelligence was all that was left of my identity and i felt that i had to prove myself. During this time i was involved in another emotionally abusive relationship.
I attended a regular healing service with my parents at the church we had begun to attend. At one particular service God was doing something in my heart and brought me to attention. This time I was not running or hiding – which i usually did. I didn’t completely understand what was happening but I know that it was the Holy Spirit gently pushing my heart. During the prayer time after the service I stayed sitting in my seat - too afraid to go up to the altar. I could not find a reason within me. But I knew God was calling me to something more. I just felt that very strong impression on my heart. Finally I found myself up the front with my mother and some of the people on the prayer team. I tried to reason with God and myself. I could only see myself as a broken and useless vessel. But it was unmistakable and I could not run. They prayed over me and then anointed me with oil. I know that was the day that the battle really began.
Over the next few years I sought out people that I could trust and share my burden with. This was difficult as I did not know how to relate to them properly and found myself stuck in emotionally dependent relationships. I often felt rejected and abandoned. It became a huge challenge to relate to my parents and I became distant and cold. My parents just wanted to support me but I felt misunderstood. Filled with fears of burdening them and my hesitation to trust, a gap grew between us.
The decision was made to change schools after the bullying got to an unbearable point. It proved to be a fantastic adjustment and i found myself to be very supported in this new environment.
After attending a camp for sexual assault victims and a lot of wounds from the past being left open, cutting became a daily habit as i sought to regain control over my emotions and my world. Later this would eventuate into multiple forms of self harm including burning and water loading. I also started the binging and starving cycle. Counting calories became an obsession and I also frequently visited pro eating disorder websites. I craved the control that self harm and my eating habits gave me.
At age 14 I was diagnosed with severe Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress and started the cycle of different medications and treatments. I suffered bad panic attacks and vivid flashbacks from the trauma I had experienced as a young girl but I was not willing to deal with these things yet. The self harm became more aggressive and I became very suicidal over this period.
It wasn’t until mid 2007 that I made my first suicide attempt. An overdose on a combination of medications left me quite sick but determined to make sure that my next attempt was successful. Over the next 6 months I made multiple other attempts and ended up spending extended periods of time in various Child Psychiatric Units. I just wanted to find some relief for the way that I was feeling but these facilities weren’t able to offer me the help that I needed. My desperation was a dangerous pendulum that I could not control.
It was during this time that I started to apply for Mercy Ministries. I had heard about it on the internet and it seemed that this was my last resort. After being accepted onto the waiting list for Mercy, my perspectives changed slightly. I was not so determined to die, hoping that maybe something could save me first but I had given myself a time limit – making sure that I wouldn’t make it to my 17th birthday if things hadn’t gotten better.
On January 23rd I entered the Sunshine Coast Mercy home, hopeful and desperate for this to be what I had been waiting for. It’s difficult to describe what happened over the next six months. For the first time in ages I felt accepted, heard and understood. My voice was beckoned forth and my story was not shied away from. My counsellor, Naomi gently walked alongside me through the hard times as i attempted to face things from the past. It was not always as she pushed me to the hard places no one had even dared to look at but i was determined to do it and do it well. During this time I came face to face with many things I had denied or run away from. Realising that my behaviour was clearly not healthy was a huge step but slowly I began the journey of healing in those areas and discovering what true freedom is. Things that I never believed were problems suddenly clearly became issues God was bringing to the light and this meant that I could deal with them. Trusting staff was hard and trusting God has been even harder but I have learnt that God will never forsake me... He never has and He never will. The scripture – 1 John 4:18 finally became so clear to me. There is no fear in love for perfect love has cast out all fear. My God defines perfect love!
The biggest challenge for me over those 6 months was to rediscover a relationship with God. Religion and doctrine have often guarded me from a real heart relationship and a willingness to trust. I was challenged to strip back the layers and lay myself on the table before the King of my life – in order for Him to touch and heal and restore. Surrender became a theme for the Mercy journey. In the past i lavished the control I had built up as my walls and protection but for me to get to the place that I longed to reach I had to surrender everything to God – my pain and my happiness, the secrets of my past, my parents, my friends and my complete life. This was SO difficult but God really helped me breakthrough in this area.
I learnt so many skills. Finally it seemed that I could actually combat things like anxiety and the desire to self harm with the help of a heavenly Father and His word rather than extra medication and numbing my pain in other forms. I felt like I had really succeeded at something that was real. Things were beginning to change.
I struggled through the journey, still being haunted by things of the past but I learnt how to face these with the help of staff who seemed to finally understand what was going on for me. It is incredible to see how much God has opened my eyes to His truth – to see myself how He sees me.
I finished my residential stay at Mercy Ministries on the 25th of July, beginning the walk it out program. Although it’s been tough and i’ve stumbled a few times I have learnt so much and really have had to put all of the tools I had gained to good use. I just thank God for an amazing journey. I know that this is not the end of my story. Really it is only just the beginning. I know God has my life in His hands and has worked everything in my life for His will and for His glory. I will thank Him forever for the way that He has transformed a dead girl’s life.
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