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i never thought this would happen to me |
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I started cutting to distract from the pain in my life. I tried to stop on my own, didn't work. It wasn't until I asked for God's help that I was able to conquer it.
so my story...
i was raised in a super supportive Christian home with parents who love me and love God. I have 3 older brothers who are amazing and strong Christians and I myself was a strong Christian.
I grew up in a very priviledged home. I never lacked for anything and I really couldnt complain. I attended Christian schooling my whole life and went on to a Christian High School.
I was fine all the way up until my sophmore year in high school (grade 10). I wasn't having the greatest year, all three of my brothers were now moved out and the brother I was super close to had just gone off the university. My brother was recently married and it just sort of seemed like everyone was so caught up in their own lives that I just took a back seat and was watching everything happen.
Then in January, I found out my best friend was moving away, and I mean far far away. It really hit me hard, and I didn't really talk about it with anyone. I kept all the pain I was feeling from this inside. I couldn't even imagine when the person I loved so much and was like another piece of me was going to be so far away.
I didn't really have a way of coping with all of it, and I couldn't talk with anyone about it because I've always been a private person. I'm the type of person that lets others lean on me and I bear all my burdens on my own.
It happened one night, I was crying and I just couldnt take it anymore, I don't know how it happened but I ended up cutting myself. I can't even describe the feeling I got when I did it. I felt horrible, dirty, like it was so wrong and I shouldnt be doing that but at the same exact time it felt like I was in control and that this was a pain that distracted me from the turmoil inside myself.
After that it became a pretty regular thing , if I ever started getting upset or feeling like things were out of control I'd cut. I ended up going to camp that summer and I told one of my friends, she cried and I told her that I'd stopped. and I had. kind of. later that summer when school was closing in I felt that same dark feeling that I thought I'd conquered growing inside me and I had the urge to cut again.
I didn't want to cut anymore, I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. This 'thing' had gotten ahold of me and I just couldn't let it go. I felt like I had no control over something that had made me feel so incontrol in the first place. I struggled with it for some time, resisting the urge and trying to stop myself. It was super hard to not do it, but I made it through 3 months without cutting myself.
I then went on a youth retreat with my church. On that retreat the pastor talked about 'storms' in our lives and how God never gives us more than we can handle. In my head I thought ' Yeah. right. I get that. Minus the fact that I can't handle it, why would I cut if I couldnt handle it. He totally skipped me on that part'. After that he talked about that whatever we're going through God is there for us. Immediately. Not waiting to step in and help us. All we have to do is ask.
Im my head I finally realized that thats what I've been missing. I was trying to do this all on my own. rely on my own strength to fix my problems. thinking that I was strong enough and thinking that if I had to tell someone or get theri advice or lean on them in my troubles I was a weaker lesser person. I finally realized that I did have someone I could take all my cares and troubles to . God. And he'd be waiting there , with open arms. He's always there for me and I just need to say GOD HELP . so that weekend I did. I asked God to take over this problem in my life. The need to cut myself. I realized that it started with me saying I want to stop. and it ended with me surrendering to God and saying God help me.
Ever since that day that I totally gave it all over to God its never been the same. I no longer feel the need to cut myself. That desire is totally gone from my life. If I'm ever feeling upset or that I can't tell anyone the problems in my life I just pray to God and he's my comforter 24/7. He's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
I give him all the credit. Cause I realized I couldn't do it on my own . God was there . and he's there for you too. through it all. Just reach out and ask.
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