All through middle school, and now continuing into high school, I was an honor student. I was involved in many different activites like voice lessons, guitar, and attending my youth group regularly. I seemed like a normal happy-go-lucky teenage, but inside I was falling apart. Losing myself. It all began in grade eight. My teacher and I never saw eye to eye, and I couldn't understand why she didn't like me. My mom, who works in the school, would get emails from her telling her I was a bad kid, that I couldn't be around my peers, and that I didn't work well. None of that was true, of course. I always did what I was told, handed in my assignements, done properly and on time, and I never gave her attitude. I always knew I was a good student, but I began doubting myself. I had much self control of my body and my emotions. No one could ever tell I was so angry inside. I was always smiling on the outside. I didn't know how to let go of my anger. I had so much of it. One night, I was in my room. There was a pair of scissors on my dresser. I don't know what came over me, but I used them to cut myself. All up my wrists. It didn't hurt the least bit. Watching the blood bead was very... soothing for me. Plus, my anger had subsided for the moment being. This continued until the end of the year until a couple of my friends noticed the strange cuts on my arm. The cat excuse really wasn't working, but I continued on with my cutting, and they continued on rather not knowing. I was definitly fine with that.

The summer after grade eight passed with a heartache, after I had decided to end it with my boyfriend. For months I felt awful, but continued on without saying anything. Only hurting myself. But I met someone when as soon as I started my freshman year. I'd seen him around the year before, and couldn't help but notice how different he seemed. I liked different. My mom, who still works in the school, kept telling me not to be around him. He was seventeen at the time, and I was fourteen. It wasn't the few years in age that was horrible, but rather what I did not know. I spent two thirds of my freshman year hangning around with this guy, hiding from, and lying to my mother. It took me a ling time to realize that this guy wasn't right in the head. I never knew he was actually a physco path. I found out alot about him, when I found myself in a scary one on one situation. I learned how manipulative he was. And also sick! By this time he was eightteen, and he wanted sex with a fifteen year old. I was scared, but talked myself out of the situation, promising another time. It took alot of courage, and I never talked to him again. But day in and day out, I couldn't deal with the stares I could feel always burning a hole through me. I was sick, and discusted with myself.

 By this time I had been having suicidal thoughts for months already, plus I was still cutting. I decided to talk to my school concellor about the cutting, but nothing else. I had been down in the office, in trouble for skipping class, which was another thing I had never done before. That was where the school guidance councellor found me. I told him about my cutting, and as much as I could, leaving the guy out. He asked if I was having suicidal thoughs, but I told him no. The school physcologist told my mother she thought I was nine out of ten high risk for suicide, but I denied it. I didn't believe it myself. A week after I started seeing a therapist, I attempted suicide.

 Monday after school, I took a trip to the drugstore and bought myself a twenty pack of extra strength sleeping pills and a bottle of water. The next day at school, I left class and took nineteen of the twenty pills. (One had fallen on the floor.) Then I headed back to class and continued on with my regular day. I was in my third period class by the time anything kicked in. I had been leaning on my desk, following along to the teacher reading with my own novel when I leaned back, feeling my eyes go blurry, and moved my feet. My who body felt like concrete. It was unbearable trying to move. My heart was beating much too fast, and I couldn't take a full breath in. I calmly asked the teacher if I could go see my mother. It took a couple pushes to get myself up out of my seat, for I felt so heavy, then I tried to walk out the door, stumbling into a chalkboard on the way. My friend came out with me while my teacher buzzed the office. My friend asked me what happened and I told her. She cried, but I don't remember feeling scared. My vice principal (an old family friend) can upstairs, commenting that I looked pale. They held me up and escorted me downstairs. I sat in the the vice principals office while they called my mother down. I told her what happened, and they called for an ambulence. There is alot from here on out that I don't remember. I do remember being so thirsty, and trying to read every poster I could to keep my sight in tact. I barly remember the ambulence, only how heavy I felt being lifted. In the ambulence, the paramedic would ask me questions, but I couldn't stay with him long enough to ever answer. In the hospital they gave me charcoal, which I never threw up, and had me hooked up to IVs. Nurses, doctors and police men came into question me. I hallucinated so much that day, but I still never told them why I did what I did. I had stayed awake all day, but there was a point I felt myself actually come through back to the world. It felt like waking up, and I could make sense of everything. Almost. I still couldn't walk by myself, and hallucinated a little, but I was going to be okay.

For six weeks I stayed in a part of the hospital called the POAA or "Pediatric Observation and Assessment Area." It was complete lock down. I only talked to the nurses and whatever three other patients that were in there who changed constantly, although I did make friends. I'm easy to get along with. Our bedroom doors locked in there if we shut them, there were video cameras in our rooms, out clothes and other belongings were locked up, and so were we with security buttons everywhere. My mom came during visiting hours most nights for a few hours, and I saw phsyciatrists, and phsycologists who I never told my reason to. I could never figure out my reason.

I went back to school six weeks later and everything felt different. My two very best friends had moved on with a new group of friends and didn't feel the same to me. I sank back into my depression quickly, also hating having to see that guy everyday. I told my mom how awful I felt and was put on medication, which I wasn't happy about. Things looked up a bit after a few weeks of meds, and I finished that year with honors, and that guy had graduated.

 Things are different now. I'm still not that okay. I still feel really down somedays... and I still cut somedays... but I've made new friends who love me, and the old ones still do. I stopped my medication myself, and an trying to work through things on my own. I have a new job, and I shake every single time that guy from grade nine comes into the store. What happened with him, and how I attempted suicide, and living in the POAA still is the biggest thing on my mind.

 But something else has changed. I feel like I have actually found God, and that gives me hope, that eventually things will work out. I just have to keep holding on, and having faith.

That is my story.

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Comments (14)

Arielle said:

I am so thankful that you are still here today to share your story. I too cut and attempted suicide. And the part about the boys-totally understand! At the age of 14 a was raped. soon after found out I was pregnant and then miscarried. The pain was unbelieveable! But God always finds a way to pull us out of the darkest holes Hold on to your faith girl, you can make it out!

November 17, 2009

Eric said:

WOW! that is an amazing story, God bless you for making it through, I know you can make it places in life, this will probably sounds cheesy but Jesus loves you no matter what you do, did or ever will do! I find sometimes the most simple things help the most

November 29, 2009

Zoey said:

You're story is beautiful, it reminds me a little bit of me. Today marks my 3 weeks of not cutting myself. I was so excited and so happy, my friends don't understand why it is such a big deal for me. There are days I long for my razors, and sometimes I just sit there with the razor in my hand and have the cold metal against my arm or leg, then instead of cutting, I get a red marker and write one of my friends name on the place I was going to cut myself. I never found God, and believe me I looked, so kudos for finding faith, and keep at it! You can make it

December 10, 2009

you could probably guess who i am.... said:

I cant really relate to you much. Although, i have cut lately, i've never struggled with depression, or much of the problems you've had. But i can tell you, it is going to be alright. i know you do talk to me about most stuff, but i also know you do hold back, and i just want to remind you, that you dont have to. I want you to understand that you can talk to me, anytime at all for anything. You dont always tell when you are upset at stuff, and its scary for me, because i will never know how you actually feel, cause you are such a good 'actress' as some would say. It constantly scares me to not know whats comming. I never saw anything, that happened before, comming. So knowing that you hide everything well, and still keep your feelings locked up, scares me. It still kills me to know that i wasn't there for you as much as i could've been. Im sorry that i failed you as a friend, and didnt listen at some times when i should've.(I'm also sorry for saying all this in a 'letter' but i doubt i'd tell you some of this in person.) I am glad that you do see people(therapists and such) im sure it helps to talk about some stuff with professionals. I am not professional,(obviously or i would've handled march 17th much better then i did, haha) but i promise to provide support in everything you go through from here on out. I will sit with you in church, and any other friend support you may need. but as you said you just have to hold on. 'Cause like you do for some other things, you cant just turn and run when you start to fell it overtake you... you have to get through, and you will. You'll be alright, Mra. i love you. and always will.

January 31, 2010

Alex Kato said:

atleast your here today

February 25, 2010

Alex said:

praise be to god

February 25, 2010

Taylor said:

I am thankful you had the courage to tell your story it's a GREAT thing that you are here today. Remember that there are always people out there that love you and would do anything for you ♥

February 25, 2010

Angell said:

Hey, girl. Thanks for sharing your story. It was really cool to listen to, even if it's not always a happy ending, that's life right? I hope you have friends now, that you can talk to and get advice from. I know what you mean, my story is on here as well. Mines not totaly happy, but really I'm okay with everything that has happened now, because I have God in my life now, and everything is slowly working out. ((Ps. The only reason I did that face is because I thought it was really cute :3 )) Good luck, and God Bless x>

March 09, 2010

Kailyn said:

Wow amazing story.... So happy your alive even if I don't know you. Thank you so much for sharing your story

March 21, 2010

jamie said:

i can really relate to this, i'm glad you found faith, it's what keeps me going stay strong

March 25, 2010

jewels said:

Hey girl i am a little older than most of ya on here, im in my twenties, but i was flippin through here and read ur story and had to comment. Your story is really a powerful one girl, and some day God is totally gunna use you. Ive heard it said that Jesus's scarrs on his hands, were his biggest ministry. And that through life, none of us are gunna go unscarred. But the scarrs that we have will turn out to be our biggest ministry, if we let God do it. He wants to turn our ashes into beauty, ya kno what i mean? I can relate some, cuz when i was in highschool, i got extremely depressed, and was normally a really good student and really social and happy. I got depressed and had low self esteem and just hated myself- letting guys take advantage of me, and i also experimented with cutting. I also had to go spend some time in the hospital, for wanting to kill myself. But through it all, i found god, and that hes the biggest and best healer of all. I understand the whole thing about not wanting to take meds and wanting to do it on your own- i believed the same thing. When i first took meds, i cried cuz i thought i wasnt trusting in god enough, and i just wanted to do it on my own, but i have learned (by going off them on my own, without the doctors consent or my parents knowledge) that i would sink into a deeper depression (eventually, even if at the beginning it didnt show) or my mood would be off, or something like nightmares...the body does weird things...anyway, i also learned that even though god is the best doctor, and will heal you compltely from depression, cuz he has with me- he uses medicine and doctors too, and that some ppl have chemical imbalances in their brain that they need meds for, to balance out. I have been on meds now for 5 or 6 years, and believe me there have been soo many times that i "snuck" off them lol but man did i ever learn that god wanted me on them. Its just been this year that the doctor said ok we're gunna take u off them ur finally ready! but even then, u gotta slowly do it cuz ur body is so used to them, it will do weird things to ur body if u dont. But i had to end up trusting the doctor but most importantly learning about God and who he really is, and that meds are OK. I know alot of ppl dont understand it...but I do. And im saying, its OK to be on them. You gotta get better first. Dont try to work through such a dangerous thing without them. If ur on them, ur on them for a reason. You can have such faith and loev for God, and good intentions but still get back down so low that u try to commit suicide again. Trust me, i did that. Thats why i finally stayed on them. I ended up in the psyc ward, AFTER i had commited my life to Christ. Remmeber we got a devil after us, and we cant play with fire alone or we will be pushed up against a wall.. Gods got ppl creating meds for a reason. Its so great that u got such awesome friends there for ya though. Its awesome just knowning someones there, even if they dont get it. Alot of my friends kind of backed away cuz they didnt get it, but i know in their hearts they meant well, they were just afraid of what was unknown to them, how someone could feel that sort of pain. But now ive made amazing friends..and my old ones have come back(some) and have apologized. And its funny, how the ppl that used to be the ones who seemed to have no problems, and were trying to help me, now years later, me having being free from depression and anxiety and an eating disorder, now i seem to be the one giving wisdom and love to them, as they struggle with life issues that i dealt with in highschool. God uses the weak of this world, to shame the wise...something liek that. I pray that God will use u in big ways to reach others. Be blessed. your sister in christ

April 17, 2010

Katrina said:

I can relate I'm 13 and this summer I was raped after that happened I feel into a deep depression and started cutting then a school consellor found out and told my parents after I was sent to go talk to a phycoclogist were I was dignosed with depression I still cut today and I still cut but with the help of god I believe that I well get threw this and I well live a long and happy life

May 03, 2010

godlovesme:) said:

wow im in tears im so sorry i am 14 and I cut and I was going to committ sucide when i found God ! God has changed my life in so many ways! I still cut sometimes but Im so much better

May 29, 2010

Halle said:

Your story really touched me. Thank toy for sharing. It made me cry when I read the part about you attempting suicide. I have thought about suicide countless times, cut once, and have an eating disorder. There have been guys, or rather idiots in my life. But with god I made it. And you will too! Even though I don't know you, ou will be in my prayers and I have great admiration and love for you. Thank you again!! God bless you!

June 14, 2010

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