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Never had any true friends until the ones i found recently, I had always been betrayed by other "friends" until eventually I gave up and didn't trust anybody. I never told anyone my problems or what was bothering me so i had nothing to take all my anger and sadness out on... except myself.
My name is JC, I'm a 15 year old Christian guy and I dealt with cutting, this is my story:
I grew up in a Christian home, I always believed in God but i never really "liked" him, I always thought of him as just some guy who had nothing better to do so he created us so he had someone to worship him. Growing up I never really had any true friends, I always thought I did but I was constantly proved wrong. I had friends who would lie to me constantly, use me, only hang out with me because they had nothing better, or when they were around their other friends they would take the opportunity to make fun of me so they would look cool in front of them. I lost all trust in people, I never told anybody anything, not even my parents. If something was bothering me or i was upset i would just put on a fake smile and pretend everything was alright because I was afraid of people just ignoring it or turning my problems into another joke.
Luckily, by 8th grade I found some real friends whom I still have today. Unfortunately, at that time, i didn't trust them. I was too used to having bad friends that i couldn't recognize the good ones. Eventually, all the stress and problems got so bad that i couldn't take anymore and i collapsed. I didn't know what to do, i just began cutting myself I was so upset, and thats how it started. It didn't make my problems go away but it was a way to take my anger out on something, even though it was myself. Later on though, instead of making me feel better it only made me feel worse. I realized I needed to stop but I couldn't, it had become too much of a habit.
A few of my good friends had been inviting me to go to youth group but i had always turned them down until they were telling about a series they were doing called "life hurts" and it sounded interesting to me. After going for a few weeks i finally realized that God wasn't some big bully who watches us suffer but someone who really cares and loves us. I gave my life to Him and asked for help. That's when i knew it was time for me to speak.
After living a life of silence and keeping my mouth shut it wasn't easy opening up. I eventually decided that I would tell my best friend Colin. I was scared to death, even though he had been a true friend to me the whole time i knew him and I knew I could trust him I still had a fear of him leaving me because of this, that he would think i'm a freak or insane but i was wrong. When I told him he didn't leave me or disown me. He ended up being one of the biggest helpers throughout the whole thing. Every time I went to his house he was ask if I had done it and always showed concern and would be there if I needed talk.
Later on I even talked to my youth pastor about it and he was a big help. He convinced me to do one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life, tell my parents. I prayed every night that God would give the courage to tell my parents and he did. When I told them, their reaction was completely different to what I thought it would be. I thought they would be angry and punish me but instead they were concerned and helped me through it.
During Christmas vacation of 9th grade I went to winter camp with my church. It was an amazing experience. One night we had this thing where you come up in front of the audience and tell your story or what you are going through and I went up and talked about my cutting problem. It was amazing and I felt God's presence with me throughout the whole thing.
My personality has completely changed since this whole thing, I went to quiet/reserved/shy/secretive to a more outgoing/happy/open person!!! I still sometimes have the urge to cut but with strength from God and encouragement from my friends i've been able to resist. i haven't cut for about a year now and i'm happier than ever!!!
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