|
my life and why i am who i am today. the different things that have happened to me that have shaped my life.
when i was little, my dad was an alcoholic and was abusive to my mom and i. i spent most of my time in fear of him and protecting my brother who was a baby at the time. i would lock him in my room so he wouldnt see what i saw or get hurt. my first thoughts of cutting happened when i was 8 or 9. i was up in the morning after a bad night and i was making breakfast for myself. when i was cutting the banana, i wondered what it would feel like if i cut myself with it. how bad it would hurt, or even if it would hurt at all. i didnt know what cutting was then, but i think that was the day that i began living in depression. i was a quiet kid. i mean, its not like i had no friends or anything, i just never talked about anything. lets fast forward a bit. when i was in 7th grade, i lost one of my closest friends ever to suicide. he hung himself. Jeff was the only one who understood that there was something wrong even though i never talked about it. he was just there for me. i was lost and confused. i knew now what cutting was because all my friends thought the "emo" crowd was weird. however, i cut for the first time that year. i did it so no one would know and i only did it every once in awhile. i didnt want my friends to find out because i had a fear of rejection. that summer after 7th grade, we moved. i was excited because we were closer to my best friend and my church. i didnt cut at all in 8th grade. but my freshman year until today has been the darkest time of my life. i have cut pretty much every day since then and have had 3 suicide attempts. i actually went to a concert last winter, and BarlowGirl was there. i had plans to kill myself that night, and no one was going to know. but the whole time at the concert, the speaker and the bands were all talking about surrendering your struggles to God. so i was tuning that out, i thought i was far beyond God saving me at that point. but when BarlowGirl started playing, alyssa, one of the badn members, was talking about the story behind their song, "i believe in love". the lyrics of the chorus come from something written on a wall of a concentration camp. and she was talking about how she thinks that guy must have been thinking, "who are you concentration camp? before my God you are nothing." and alyssa went on and was like "who are you__________? before my god you are nothing." and that pretty much saved my life that night. i went home and ripped up my suicide letter and flushed the pills down the toilet. and i didnt cut for about 3 weeks after that. but i started cutting again because i couldnt handle it. right now, i still cut, but i am going to find a way out. my youth minister is going to help me find a christian counselor, and im going to get past this. i want to with everything i am.
thats pretty much my story as of today. i know that cutting and depression is something that i can overcome.
~JENNA
 |
