By the time I was 10 years old I hated my life. I am the youngest of 2 girls and my parents are retired school teachers. My older sibling and I are almost 2 years apart. Growing up, whether my parents will admit it or not I was constantly in my sister's shadow and compared. We played the same instruments, had a lot of the same teachers and were involved in the same outside school activities. We grew up in the church and were always involved in youth group, quizzing and various other church functions.
School and grades were a big deal to my family-I was often compared with not only my sister but my classmates, mom had to know how others did. If I did poorly she had to know if it was the teacher or me being lazy. My mom was salutatorian of her class and my sister was in the top 5 of her class so it was hard for her to accept me as an average student. My father, however was concerned about grades but he knew I tried hard and he would say things like "hey a B isn't bad. Good job!" whereas my mother would say things like "a B?!?! How did others do in the class? Your sister didn't have trouble in this class..." *sigh * Aside from grades, my family's reputation was very important as well. I was taught at a young age to not let on anything was ever wrong and as a family we never talked about issues, emotions or concerns. We swept them under the rug and went on with life. We were the perfect family on Sunday mornings but behind closed doors no one saw the abuse brought upon my sister, dad and I by mom.
At 18, I decided I was going to end my life. I had had enough of my family and myself. My mom and I fought constantly and I always had these thoughts in my head that I was worthless and never good enough for anyone. The plan was to cut my wrists...back then I was naive and didn't realise you had to cut right on the vein to succeed. So as I was cutting my arm I felt instant relief, the pain, hurt and anger was gone and the blood! The immediate relief! it was AMAZING! It was such a high and I decided from that day on, it was all I needed. Whenever I wanted to cry, throw something, or scream/yell I would cut. Sometimes 8-10x a day. It provided the most sensational emotional release for me. I never wanted it to end. Of course I chose a knife at first to cut with and I only cut on my arms. Soon I discovered a knife wasn't always easy to hide so I began using smaller tools like razors, thumb tacks, paper clips, pen caps, and broken pieces of CDs. I had become very creative and used whatever I could get my hands on. My family was in the dark for quite some time and through counseling and the help of my church family I got up the courage to tell them. It was not a good reaction. My dad got quiet, my mom yelled and turned it around that I was blaming her for my life, that I was selfish and hurtful, that I dont' care about other people and that I was just doing it to hurt her. My sister refused (and still does) to talk to me about any of it.
Now that I'm 26 almost 27 years old, I have grown a lot and attended support groups to try and decrease the depression/anxiety/rage and cutting. It hasn't been easy and I promise you, the only way that I have even made it this far has been with the help of my church, friends, counselors and above all Jesus Christ. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm completely healed and not tempted. I still stumble but I just completed 8 weeks of not cutting! Do i think about everyday? Yes. Do I want to stop? Yes. Can I do it alone? No. and that's where I get stuck. I try so hard to do things on my own that way I'll have control, but it never works. My relationship with Christ has improved but I still struggle to feel worthy of His love. It is a relief when I cut, but I know that it breaks my Heavenly Father's heart and everytime I give in to temptation, I'm giving in to Satan. With that in mind, I would encourage you to try and think "who am I about to honor?" the next time you are about to cut.
