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I don't have some terrible background that lead to my SI. I grew up in a Christian home, a loving home. But I was the one member of our family that was a reble. I wanted to see the other side of life. They looked like they were enjoying life more than I was. I hated being the "Good girl".
I don't have some terrible background that lead to my SI. I grew up in a Christian home, but that may have been the problem. Our family was the Pastors family, I had to be a good example. I was always the "good kid" the "Christian girl". But I never had the faith as my own. It was my parents faith. I had accepted Christ as a young child, but never understood it. In my first year of elementry school, my only Christian friend left my community and I began to wander. Come my end year of Elementry, I had completly fallen apart. I rebeled. I wasn't as extreem as I could have ended up, mostly becuase I never wanted my parents to know. I got a bf and he ended up dumping me. I was angry and started swearing - which was a big thing for me. It became easier and easier and I appeared to the school world to be a very full of herself girl with no problems. Now, to the church family and to my family, I had to act like a Christian. I hated church, hated my family, hated my life. I plunged into a state of depression, and started cutting my ankles - not on suicide attempt, but on a way to give myself what I "deserved". I only ever cut my wrists once - but worry that my parents would see stopped me and I switched to ankles. Eventually, I started slipping farther, depression grew to the point where I would go out the bushes behind out house and try to convice myself to push my pocket knife through my thoat. But Jesus interviened. I was always stopped at the thought "What if Jesus IS real?" I didn't want to go to hell. I just wanted to get out of this pit I had dug for myself, but I just couldn't. Or at least that is what the devil kept throughing at me, telling me I couldn't make it. Jesus once again interviened - this time through my parents. They pulled me out of the public system and into homeschooling. At first, all it did was make me more mad, I thought there was no hope - but there was, and is. For the whole time this had been going on, I had dreamed of demons, seen demons, been trapped and taughnted by them. I heard a sermon one day about how as Christians, we have the power over the devil and if we call out in the name of Jesus, they have to leave us alone. That night I turned over to see those glowing green eyes in corner of my room and shouted - not aloud, but in my mind "In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave me alone!". I will always remember that moment. Screaching and screaming as a whirlwind whipped around, then it was gone. I was the only one who heard the noises, the only one that felt the sudden peace and shame rest on me. At the moment, I dropped to my knees and cried out for forgiveness, for help, lots of help and in thanks. The days after that have been in healing. Getting rid of depression and suicidal thoughts, as well as cutting are not easy! I wish I could say *BAM* and I was better, but no, here I am, two year later, still healing. I never did get any scars, but every time I read of someones cutting, I hurt deep within me, because I know what it's like to be there. I also know that there is no "quick fix" but there is a Savoir who cares, a hope that will light the way. I will admit, there are times when I stumble, I fall, sometimes want to hurt myself for my mistakes. But God became real to me. The Spiritual relm became so very real to me. Spiritual battle has come to be more deadly to me than physical battles. But the Lord is there, and I am so glad that I am on the winning team. I can lean on Him when I am not strong enough, I can trust that He will never ever leave me. To all you out there, stuggling with SI, THERE IS HOPE!!!
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