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From the age of 12 to the ages of around 18 or 19 I struggled with Anorexia (self ingury) due to many years of differnt types of abuse I chose to find control in my self by abusing myself because it was pretty much the only thing that I had total control over and something know one could take away from me or say no to, anorexia was all mine it was a way to cope with the crazyiness of my life, it made me feel good, powerful, stong....but really all it did was make me more and more weak in mind in spirit and in health.
I was your typical sexually abused child. For 2 years a male neighbour taught me things I never should have had to know at the tender ages of 6 to 8 years old. This man made me believe lies in order to keep me silent on what he was doing for fear that my parents would not love me if they found out. Well they never did find out until I was 21 years old.
After those 2 years of abuse, I changed as a child, I was scared of all human beings (deathly scared, I trusted no one. I went thought many counsellors and psycologists who repeadly tried everything to get the truth out of me but I never said a word, I would just hide in a corner or under the desk for fear that after they found out they would want to do the same thing to me...abuse me. I grew to be the strangest child you ever did meet, I participated in nothing, hid always, cried all the time and threw up 3 to 4 times a week because of bad nerves. I was sent home from school often because thy thought I was sick, but i wasn't, I was just scared of life of living and of people. I had the hardest time ever making friends and if I did make a friend they were all abused, and emotionally scarred like i was, we were the rejects no one else wanted.
I developed obbsessive compulsive disorder I'd say around 9 or 10 and I just became even more strange with that behaviour, I was the cleanest most organised child I ever knew, but the strange things I did were all done in order to gain some type of control over myself, to get a release from everyday life, I felt at total peace cleaning like a maniac, taking 3 showers a day, locking doors fanatically, and never stepping on cracks and while doing a million other OCD behaviours.
At 12 years old OCD was not enough for me anymore it didn't drown my feelings enough or my secrets so I eventually developed Anorexia. I hated myself so much but I was to scared to kill myself so instead I beat myself to punish myself. Yes I felt as though I was a bad girl for the things that happened in my past, I felt evil. It started off small like depriving myself of lunch at school, then a year later it was breakfast and lunch and snacking. By 14 it was only little nibbles at dinner with my parents just to make it look like I was eating something, then I would go into my room and punch myself in my stomach until I threw up my food and blood due to injuring myself. I did this so often through the years that it no longer hurt me anymore to do it. I just beat myself everytime I felt that I ate more then I allowed myself to. I took laxatives, diet pills, and excersised like it was going out of style all to punish myself, to beat myslef up for being so sinful. Yes I was born and raised in the Christian faith and beliefs. My parents tried so hard to help me to get answers from me but nothing worked and through it all I never once heard God because I though even He thought I was dirty and contaminated and usless.
At 15 I turned angry and vengfull towards everyone and instead of being shy and scared I turned violent and mean. I got into fights at school, skipped class and started getting boyfriends. Well my 4th boyfriend was the one I gave my virginity to.....6 months later I was pregnant. Boy did that make me feel like the scum of the earth. My parents helped me through it all and never stopped loving me for it, they just wanted to make the best out of a bad situation. My boyfriend and I got married when I was 8 months pregnant, we were both 16. Our weding was more of a funeral then a wedding, I've never seen so many sad tears. I felt disgusting like something to be hated and spit on.
I allowed myself to only gain 7 pounds during my pregnancy, my daughter was born just as starved as I was, which made everyone in that delivery room hate me. I continued to starve myself through the next couple of years but not acsessivly and I no longer beat myself. When my daughter was born something in me began to change, I started to hear God again, I saw the miricle He gave me and I vowed to never let my daughter ever have to feel as dirty and useless as I did. I dreaded ever having her feel the way I did all my childhood so I vowed to make a better life for her and to use myself as an example instead of a loser. I allower God to take control of my life instead of me trying to do it. It took years and years to get to a peaceful feeling but I'm there now. 13 years have now gone by, my daughter is 12 almost 13 and she made it this far happy, healthy, good self esteem, confident and not knowing of any wrong fear, she is nothing at all like I was back then, absolutly nothing. She is so strong that I look up to her, so full of life, never missing a beat and enjoying all that God has given her. I'm still married and Anorexia and self abuse are a thing of the past. I am no longer fearful and God has molded me into the woman I was born to be He took away all my dirtyness and sin and embrased me in His healing love and I have never been the same since.
I have just started being part of the youth group at my church, I'm now a youth leader and I can't wait to share with those teens how awsome of a God we have, how real He is, how healing He is, how loving and forgiving He is, how EVERYTHING He is. I want to share my story with everyone, I never have yet but I'm hoping to get the chance in the future because i know alot of teens can relate with me, I was never the only one as I felt I was back then.
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That was a sad story. But yet very touching. I'm glad to hear you turned out okay and so did your daughter. I hope everything stays the same for you... happy and healthy!